Have you been wondering about marriage counseling? What is it like? Let me tell you about how the couples that I work with feel when they come to see me for the first session.
They come in feeling distressed and upset. They don’t understand why they keep having the same arguments over and over. They feel misunderstood and unheard by their spouse. The fighting has only gotten worse over time and they don’t know what else to do about it. Often times, by the time they come to marriage counseling, they are on the brink of separation, or divorce. They feel sad and alone. As a marriage counselor in Boca Raton, my job is to help them heal their relationship. I want to help them feel heard, understood and in love again. I want to rebuild their emotional connection and change their negative pattern or dance as we call it in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.
When couples begin therapy in my office, they are in a painful place. Usually, there is a lot of fighting going on at home or worse they aren’t even talking to each other. In Emotionally Focused Couples Counseling (EFT), I help them understand their negative pattern of communication or dance as we call it in EFT. I help them understand what they both do in that dance, how they feel and then how to step out of the pattern to help them talk to each other in a new way.
The first thing I do is slow them down. I understand that they are upset and angry. They want to tell me everything their partner is doing wrong or how hurt they feel. I want to hear them but I slow them down to help each partner process what they are feeling. Getting curious with each partner is important. What is happening for them? I understand that they are mad but I know that underneath the anger is hurt. I want to help them express their hurt to their partner. This can change the dance. Once the other spouse can feel the hurt, they can understand why they were so mad in the first place. Then the repair between the couple can happen. And, of course, I do this with both partners so both have a chance to feel heard, understood, and apologize if needed to each other.
Changing the negative dance between the spouses takes time. It doesn’t happen in one session or in one repair. First, the couple must learn how to do it in session. They will learn to recognize the triggers or raw spots as we call them in EFT. Stop and slow down the dance, and then repair as quickly as possible.
This, of course, is a very simplified explanation of what goes on in a counseling session with me as your marriage counselor. EFT is proven in research to make long lasting changes in 70-75% of couples. EFT has given us a map as to how to help couples find love again. It has given me a model to work with couples that is successful. It is successful because couples learn to change their negative dance so they can rebuild their emotional connection. Once couples rebuild their emotional connection, they feel safe and secure in their marriage. They feel the trust and the love once again with their partner. They feel that no matter what they will go through as a couple, their mates will be there for them.
When couples can slow down and be vulnerable with each other, I see beautiful things happen in my sessions. Couples sit closer together. They hold hands. They start hearing each other maybe for the first time. As a marriage counselor, it is amazing to witness couples go through this transformation process.
If you are struggling in your marriage right now, you don’t need to go through this alone. I am passionate about helping couples find the love again. I am an experienced therapist with over 20 years of experience and certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. I would be honored to hear your story and help you heal your relationship.